“Would you like to buy a membership card?”
“Yào bàn zhāng huìyuánkǎ ma?”
“要办张会员卡吗？”

If you hear this infernal message more than three times in quick succession, you’re almost certainly in a hair salon. The moment your hand hits the door, you’ll be whacked in the face by queries from your hairstylist. These creatures can take many shapes: garrulous, bossy, hateful, laconic—but always somewhat annoyed.

They usually, for no reason that can be discerned by any logical creature, have English names despite not speaking English.

Within seconds, they judge your taste, manipulate your choice, and seize on every spare moment to sell you a goddamned membership card!

Let’s begin with the control freak stylist. They try to control everything, from how much needs trimmed to whether you should have bangs. You may be the customer, but they are the Emeritus Professor of Dead Protein Growing Out of Scalps, all hail.

Stylist: I don’t think it would look good on you. You are really pretty with long hair.
Wǒ juéde duǎnfà bú shìhé nǐ. Nǐ liú chángfà hǎokàn.
我觉得短发不适合你。你留长发好看。

You: But I want to try short hair.
Dàn wǒ xiǎng chángshì yíxià duǎnfà.
但我想尝试一下短发。

S: You will regret it! It is not easy to get such long hair!
Nǐ huì hòuhuǐ de! Tóufa liú zhème cháng duō bù róngyi!
你会后悔的！头发留这么长多不容易！

Y: I won’t. I am sure.
Wǒ kěndìng búhuì hòuhuǐ.
我肯定不会后悔。

S: At least keep it shoulder-length, which is in fashion this year.
Zhìshǎo liú dào jiānbǎng nàme cháng ba, jīnnián hěn liúxíng.
至少留到肩膀那么长吧，今年很流行。

Some hairstylists seem to think cutting your hair is a life or death decision—which it might be if they don’t shut up. On the bright side, these are the folks that will take your hair seriously, even if you don’t. But, don’t argue that you’re right. Try to think of a special reason for your haircut.

Stylist: Short hair isn’t right for your face.
Duǎnfà bù shìhé nǐ de liǎnxíng.
短发不适合你的脸型。

You: It doesn’t matter. I want it cut because I need a new start for my broken heart.
Méi guānxi. Wǒ jiǎn duǎnfà shì yīnwéi wǒ shī liàn le, xūyào yī gè xīn de kāishǐ.
没关系。我剪短发是因为我失恋了，需要一个新的开始。

Yes, that’s a lie (probably). But don’t feel guilty. That person has a blade next to your head, so use whatever method of mollification you can. Other excuses include moving to another city, finding a new job, or the preference of your new lover.

The control freak is easy enough to deal with. They’re, at the very least, professional. However, some hairdressers can just be offensive.

S: Which salon did it for you? Never go there again.
Zài nǎ jiā lǐfàdiàn tàng de a? Yǐhòu bié zài qù le.
在哪家理发店烫的啊？以后别再去了。

Y: I don’t think they are that bad. Maybe it’s just my hair’s problem.
Wǒ juéde tāmen hái kéyǐ. Kěnéng shì wǒ tóufa de wèntǐ.
我觉得他们还可以。可能是我头发的问题。

S: Your hair needs some better treatment. You can buy a membership card here and have some hair care every week.
Nǐ de tóufa xūyào gèng hǎo de báoyǎng. Nǐ kéyǐ zài wǒmen zhèlǐ bàn yī zhāng huìyuánkǎ, měizhōu guò lái zuò hùlǐ.
你的头发需要更好的保养，你可以在我们这里办一张会员卡，每周过来做护理。

You can’t even scowl because they can see you in the mirror, and if you stay quiet, you might hear:

Women shouldn’t be lazy.
Nǚrén jiùshì bùnéng lǎn.
女人就是不能懒。

Let’s not discuss why “women” can’t be lazy and concentrate on the smooth slip of the membership card mention. You’ve been insulted, condemned, and insulted again and he still thinks you’ll buy the membership card. The solution is very easy, when they begin to criticize your previous stylist, you can say:

I won’t visit them again because they kept trying to sell me a membership card!
Wǒ búhuì zài qù tāmen diàn le, tāmen yìzhí tuīxiāo huìyuánkǎ.
我不会再去他们店了，他们一直推销会员卡。

That might shut them up for a while, but remember that most hair salon staff are, first and foremost, salespeople. You’re a target the moment you step into the room.

Beware the dreaded up-sell. A staff member may come to simply wash your hair. They’ll hold up a bottle of shampoo and ask, “Do you think this shampoo is okay?” You give it a glance and say it’s fine, but when you’re done, you’re going to notice a big, fat fee for that fancy shampoo. No one told you because you didn’t ask. The tricks don’t end there. Even if you learn your lesson and ask about the price, they will still be ready for you.

Staff: I’d like to recommend our senior stylist Tony for you.
Wǒ xiàng nín tuījiàn wǒmen de gāojí fàxíngshī Tuōní.
我向您推荐我们的高级发型师托尼。

You: How much is it?
Duōshǎo qián?
多少钱？

S: The basic haircut is 100 RMB.
Jiǎnfà yībǎi yuán.
剪发一百元。

Y: Is there a cheaper option?
Yóu gèng piányì de ma?
有更便宜的吗？

S: We also have 80 RMB and 60 RMB packages. But Tony is very experienced, especially for dyeing and perming hair. You can also have a perm.
Háiyǒu bāshí hé liùshí de. Dàn Tuōní jīngyàn fēicháng fēngfù, tèbié shì rǎnfà tàngfà. Nǐ yě kéyǐ tàng yíxià.
还有八十和六十的。但托尼经验非常丰富，特别是染发烫发。你也可以烫一下。

Y: Then how much is it for the perm?
Tàngfà duāshǎo qián?
烫发多少钱？

S: Well, they are 400 RMB, 600 RMB, and 800 RMB. The processing agents are different. The more expensive, the better it is for your hair.
Yǒu sìbǎi、liùbǎi hé bābǎi de. Tàngfàjì bù yíyàng, yuè guì de duì tóufà yuè hǎo.
有四百、六百和八百的。烫发剂不一样，越贵的对头发越好。

Y: I think the 400 RMB will be fine for me.
Wǒ juéde sìbǎi de jiù xíng le .
我觉得四百的就行了。

S: Sure. Would you like to have your hair dyed? Color will make you look younger.
Hǎode. Nǐ yào rǎn ge yánsè ma? Yǒu diǎnr yánsè xiǎnde niánqīng.
好的。你要染个颜色吗？有点儿颜色显得年轻。

Y: So how much is it?
Rǎnfà duōshǎo qián?
染发多少钱？

S: You can choose from 300 RMB and 500 RMB. The 500 RMB one has a better effect and won’t hurt your hair.
Yǒu sānbǎi hé wǔbǎi de. Wǔbǎi de xiàoguǒ hǎo yīdiǎnr, hái bú shāng tóufà.
有三百和五百的。五百的效果好一点，还不伤头发。

Y: Let me think.
Wǒ xiángxiǎng.
我想想。

If you get this far, all they need to do is set the hook.

S: It is a little expensive, but you are not doing it every day. And if you buy a prepaid membership card, you can enjoy a ten percent discount.
Shì yǒu diǎnr guì, kě nǐ yě bú shì tiāntiān zuò. Rúguǒ nǐ xiànzài bàn yī zhāng huìyuánkǎ dehuà, kéyǐ dǎ jiǔ zhé.
是有点儿贵，可你也不是天天做。如果你现在办一张会员卡的话，可以打九折。

Y: Okay, I’ll take a card.
Hǎo ba, wǒ bàn yī zhāng kǎ.
好吧，我办一张卡。

See? Did you have a plan for a perm or a dye? No, you’ve just been swindled. But, remember this very important lesson: you can stop them whenever you want. The best way is by telling them that you’re broke.

Staff: I’d like to recommend our senior stylist Tony for you.
Wǒ xiàng nín tuījiàn wǒmen de gāojí fàxíngshī Tuōní.
我向您推荐我们的高级发型师托尼。

You: I don’t need a senior stylist. The cheapest one is fine. I don’t have much money right now.
Wǒ bú xūyào gāojí fàxíngshī, zuì piányì de jiù xíng, wǒ shēnshàng méi dài duōshǎo qián.
我不需要高级发型师，最便宜的就行，我身上没带多少钱。

Once they know that you don’t have enough cash, most of the scams and hard-sells will stop. Keep in mind, though, that some of that hospitality will disappear, too. Someone spending money is a customer; someone who isn’t is a training doll for rookies. Of course, not all hairstylists are like this. For the nice, honest, hardworking fellas in the industry, the locks of our hair are the keys to our hearts.